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[Thomas]

Well there's no time like the present so I thought I'd get the ball rolling again on my journey. Its been a rough month or two but I feel I've gotten over the hump so to speak. I dont really know what this thread will turn into, im just letting my fingers do the typing so bare with me. Maybe I'll start by giving some info on my journey thus far, without going into great detail. This might help you guys get a sense of where I am right now.

My journey started just over a year ago, and as it does with alot of people, it started after a period of great stress. A breaking point if you will. My Ego had become so intrusive that I finally had to say enough! Abruptly a began living and acting in a way I named at the time 'way of the warrior'. Basically all I allowed myself to think on was what I was currently engaged in. Every action I performed, every word I spoke and every thought I had was acted upon with complete attention... I would decide what to do and act upon that decision with everything in my being... The inherint flaws in memory and language are hindering my ability to convey my meaning, I hope I have explained my initial 'awakening' sufficiently.

Frightened of the massive changes happening to me I tried to 'drop' these thoughts, but some very strange coincedents kept bringing them back to me in the most perculiar of ways! Long story short I accepted these things and began the proccess of what Roage wold describe as clearing my Ego clutter. Very hard times they were, with no guidance I was attempting to face head on all my worst memorys, some buried very deeply indeed. Lots of setbacks and toughys have slowed my progress considerably over the last 6-8 months.

Again forgive any Ego here as im still learning. I am pretty sure Im still at this stage but I can feel som momentum picking up. So I suppose my question to you guys is: where do you think I am? what was I doing wrong and what am I still doing wrong? Whats next? Please feel free to ask any question if you want more detail ( or berate me for boring you with this!). I just felt that I needed to get active in this forum NOW, if you get me. Its like, I'll get around to the heavy material soon, but I dont want to let this new momentum slip away! Oh and how do I deal with lingering ego clutter if I cant really think of any?

[Thomas]

Well I thought I would post another entry here for my own sake, being swung between bouts of doubt and clarity for the last 24 hours has been interesting to say the least. Answers coming in increasing number to the questions I possed here, and coming in a variety of different ways. Ive been reading through Roages articles and some threads here, I got some answers in my sleep, and I watched revolver a while ago (Mind blowing!). A nice syncronicity when I switched from revolver to a cartoon and the character was in the middle of a duell with his ego too!

So just to outline some of the answers I found, Trust is my main blocker atm, I still have a good bit of ego clutter to deal with, and I remembered how I used to bring a painful bit a ego clutter into... almost a controlled enviroment of my mind, in order to dissemble it or deny its control over me. Bit of a sloppy explaination there.

Ive been thinking this thread could be good as a personal/interactive journal and resource.

Anyway what are your observations guys? this post relieved some of my doubts for now, and im sure a few replies would help abundantly.

[Deckard666]

Well I wanted to answer yesterday but I couldn't put something satisfying into words ... good I didn't. I think it is a good idea to use this thread as your personal journal. The law is the same for all - the journey is different for everybody. And every documentation may help to get new insights for all of us ... we're all learning here. The more collected information on "walking the path" could further benefit "newcomers".

The thing about the ego ... it is a constant test until you get it. It is a long journey and even after being almost a year on it now I consider myself a beginner. It's a new life and you have to start over. It takes time but the lessons are arranged for your individual benefit. As long as you are truly dedicated you will be successful. The SA knows what's best for you. So forget about where you are or how soon you get it. Simply enjoy the ride.

Namaste,

Deckard

[D@mien]

Hi,
welcome Thomas.

At this moment i can't add much to what Deckard has said. For me it really took of after i started to ask for insights on my (ego) behavior. That led me to some realizations about my "shadow" side. I started to apologize and take responsibility for what i i've become. That led to a "grace" period when i felt some unbelievable (for me) happy moments and i received love from all directions. Now those moments are fewer and further between. I feel i have been shown, and partially learnt, that i can trust. Now i have to learn not to get provoked in to creating a victim out of myself. All our roads are probably different, thought i shared some of mine if that could help.

All the best to you and as Deckard wrote "The SA knows what's best for you. So forget about where you are or how soon you get it. Simply enjoy the ride"

Love to you

[roage]

It is merely a process that ends when you die. That is when you are free of ego. I have come full circle. I decided that I did not come here for the magical mystery tour. I bought a ticket to the house of horrors and I expect to get my money's worth. There will be an eternity to exist in more strenuous lives that are more and more complicated because that is how I grow. Next life, after a bit a rest in boring "paradise, will no doubt be several orders of magnitude more uncomfortable than this one. I have grown too thick a skin and need further expansion by means of suffering, stress and misery such that I can grow to new levels. The life of ease was needed when I first started out. I have become good at figuring out the game. I need more of a challenge. It is time to get myself into the thick of it.

[Richard]

aaahhhhh so the game is getting tougher because of Roage becoming to comfortable......hhhhhmmm....helps and draws many towards/into understanding and then more game is needed? Perpetuating what? Gotta love...this...game... right brained or what's left...confused ego

Enjoy the journey for we are bound knowing not where, observing the dances of puppets whose strings are not always seen anymore than ours are felt.....trust and love above beyond under and around like syncronicities along the path are you open to such? and why on a 'bad' day does the game sometimes seem too much? Just to allow for differences and to keep from getting bored or cocky? to make you wonder if you are the jocky upon the horses back or just along for the ride...forgot to breath take a moment to hide....from what, but the underlieing perfection, lost and forgotten sometimes but, within us or weeeeeeeee with it or at this point what weeeeeeee consider it. Learning and searching ...answers and senses...yet who are weeeeeee to judge anything more than if they 'ring true' for us in this moment in time? What do weeeeee feel and/or observe and can we express it so that it fits?

who knows but weeeeeeeee

[roage]

aaahhhhh so the game is getting tougher because of Roage becoming to comfortable......hhhhhmmm....helps and draws many towards/into understanding and then more game is needed? Perpetuating what? Gotta love...this...game... right brained or what's left...confused ego

Enjoy the journey for we are bound knowing not where, observing the dances of puppets whose strings are not always seen anymore than ours are felt.....trust and love above beyond under and around like syncronicities along the path are you open to such? and why on a 'bad' day does the game sometimes seem too much? Just to allow for differences and to keep from getting bored or cocky? to make you wonder if you are the jocky upon the horses back or just along for the ride...forgot to breath take a moment to hide....from what, but the underlieing perfection, lost and forgotten sometimes but, within us or weeeeeeeee with it or at this point what weeeeeeee consider it. Learning and searching ...answers and senses...yet who are weeeeeee to judge anything more than if they 'ring true' for us in this moment in time? What do weeeeee feel and/or observe and can we express it so that it fits?

who knows but weeeeeeeee

We All know but it in our inability to marshal that realization that allows us to wonder and grow.

[Richard]

Having taken the time to sit and 'shrink'...into something which, at first, seemed so much smaller than physical me... and managed to keep on observing and then,... expanded into what seemed like my conceptualization of the universe, and felt the rhythm and breathed the breath, to the beat which was not my own and yet was... observing again, but with a vastly intensified awareness.....no and knowing judgement, understood as energies and emotions and colors and flows and blockages, rushes and flares......beauty and saddness ...love and hatred....all, but emotions....nothing and everything.... Music of the spheres singing.....being. Realization, wonder, growth......inability??? inability......Roage, wherefore did you find and choose this word of expression????? Certainly we choose a lesser level in order to function in most everyday life than our capabilities, but, is this not choice and not inability. Yes, there are things to learn and paths to follow and the need to understand unconditional.....but inabled or unable......aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh rrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh.....to much NLP for me.

Hey man I love yah, haven't told you that lately ...and thanks for all that you do including putting this together....gotta love the game and everything in it (which can be a trip within itself) yet I try to remember one from my youth, which was ...you gotta love everything but you certainly don't have to like or agree with it all .......wwwwweeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

[Richard]

Thomas
You ask where do we think you are, but it says you are in Ireland....aren't you? Just messing with you ...seems to me you are making progress down a path, towards awakening to more of what you truly are and can be...Now as with all Paths, at different times and places there are varying things to see and do.......some fun, some scary etc etc ...Trust and Unconditional trust as well as love......man don't they sound like something special.....and scary.....trust something else(other than my ego) to be in charge? Over me....and everything else I may be able to conceive.....WWWWWWWoooaaaaaahhhhh!!!
One to contemplate...what do the different parts of our body understand...just there individual job or that they are part of something greater than just themselves? Being part of a whole? This is part of the shrinking I referred to in my other post. All is one and all in its own good time....concepts.

Anyway I am in the Tampa / St Petersburg area of Florida.....what part of Ireland ?

[Thomas]

Im back from a very long weekend, which started on friday morning with Roage's post. Thank you Roage. And thank you all for you're posts, even if I dont understand them, I read them all aloud. Now the task of putting into words my experiences and learnings this weekend past.

'I need more of a challenge'. These words stuck in my head as a clear answer- I need to start challenging my ego, and immediatly the opportunity presented itself. An Invitation to a literary and arts festival, with no time to make a decision! Lots of doubts and fears flooded my mind straight away, My ego nattering away different reasons to stay. So I went.

Ok this post is getting harder to write and when i go to correct a mistake it just over-writes instead of inserts if you get me. I think I'll finish up with a question and then maybe come back later to tell of the rest of my weekend.

So my question today is: Does ego clutter always have a meaning behind it? lets say an event in your past that makes you cring if you still havent dealt with it properly. Most times its enough for me to just observe these things for what they are and they lose all power but one or two are giving me trouble.